Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Mom said you looked used
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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