I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
