best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
