im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
