I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
