the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
