Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
