A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
