last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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