Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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