Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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