Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
