Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Randomize
