The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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