so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
pray to the hookup gods
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
