I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
