I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
