I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
