Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
