Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
im six kinds of drunk right now
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
