Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
