New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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