and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
