shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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