May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
