oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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