How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
