need another drink. this is the easiest way
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
