I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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