All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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