Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
