A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
