i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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