I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
