and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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