All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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