About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
