The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
