She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
