And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Someone came in the potted fern
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
