I wish I only lived at night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
