shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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