i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
did i walk over a car last night?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
