so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
