genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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