I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
