after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
