dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Couch. On fire.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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