i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
