Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
