Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
