everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
