Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
