Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
